Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Christmas Quotes Funny items I have now:

• I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red.
• At Christmas, we all hope to share special moments with our family. These short family Christmas quotes express that wish.
• “Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”– Samantha Bee
• “He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.”– Roy L. Smith
• “This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.”– Guy Endore Kaiser
• Naps are always on my xmas list...
• Dear Santa, I was really good at being really naughty. Does that count?
• Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. –  Kin Hubbard
• A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. –  Garrison Keillor
• Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!
  
• “Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.”– Erma Bombeck
• “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”– Shirley Temple
• “Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”– Catherine Tate
• One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly. –  Andy Rooney
• “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”– Don Marquis
• “Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.”
• “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.'” -Bernard Manning
• Smart guy
• “One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.” -Grace Kriley
• “I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’”– Marc Maron
• The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. –  Will Ferrell, “Elf”
• “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”– Matt Groening
• “Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping.”– Jon Anderson
• “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.”
• “Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.”– Sean Hughes
• “The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents.”– O. Henry
• Let's drink mulled wine and talk shit.
  
• “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” -Johnny Carson
• “Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”– Wendy Cope
• Christmas magic is silent. You don’t hear it - You feel it. You know it. You believe it. –  Kevin Alan Milne
• “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”– Richard Lamm
• “A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.”– John B. Priestly
• “Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.”– Jon Stewart
• “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”– Bridger Winegar
• “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”– Dave Barry
• Last year I asked for the sexiest person ever for Christmas. I woke up in a box.
• Santa Claus has the right idea- visit people only once a year.
• Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. –  Larry Wilde
• “Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.” -Ellen DeGeneres
• Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty this year ... and it was SO worth it.
• The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• “Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”– Tom Armstrong
• “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
• “A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
  
• The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other. –  Burton Hillis
• “I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.”
• Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words. –  Harlan Miller
• Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas. –  Stephen Graham Jones
• “Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!” -Ogden Nash
• That would be more helpful than presents.
• “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”– Garrison Keillor
• I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but if it runs out I'll drink the red.
• You know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.
• “Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, “Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?”– Jim Gaffigan
• Dashin, dancin & prancin until I get blitzen.
• Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from the store. Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more! –  The Grinch, by Dr Seuss
• “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” -Robert Godden
• “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” -Andy Borowitz
• When what to my wondering eyes should appear... but 10 extra pounds on hips, thighs and rear.
• “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” -Erma Bombeck
• Just wondering...
• Probably will get the same thing this year.
• “Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”– Frank McKinney Hubbard
• Do give books - religious or otherwise - for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal. –  Lenore Hershey
• “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”– Tom Sims
• “Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.”– Harlan Miller
• “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”– Jay Leno
• Christmas isn’t about candy canes or lights all aglow, it’s the hearts that we touch, and the care that we show. –  Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas
• “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” -Larry Wilde
• Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. –  Dave Barry
• “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”– Jerry Seinfeld
• At Christmas, all roads lead home. –  Marjorie Holmes
• “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”– Winston Spear
  
• Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.
• “There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” -P.J. O’Rourke
• Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. –  Gary Allan
• Christmas Eve, a perfect night to express affection for your family, to forgive those who failed you, and to forget past mistakes. 
• It's all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.
• “Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.”– Alan Bradley
• “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”– Joan Rivers
• “I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”– Bridger Winegar
• Christmas is so much worse as you get older. It's like "What do you want this year?" IDK. Financial security? A career? A sense of purpose? A nap would be nice.
• It’s not what’s under the Christmas tree that matters, it’s who is around it.
• Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. –  Victor Borge
• “Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it!”– Lewis Black
• Cute Christmas quotes that capture the magic of the Christmas season, and how it is such a special time. They are great Christmas quotes for kids and the young-at-heart.
• “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” -Johnny Carson
• “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” -Andy Rooney
• “Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.” -Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.
• Avoid drinking too much at the office Christmas party by drinking too much before the office Christmas party.
• “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”– Henny Youngman
• Buy your self some nice jewelry.
• “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”– Andy Borowitz
• Dear Santa, please refer to my Pinterest boards.
  
• Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you’re home. –  Carol Nelson
• “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”– Melanie White
• Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You're getting clothes and a bible for Christmas.
• “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”– Anthony Jeselnik
• “I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.”– Fred Rogers
• Dear Santa, when you get here, could you please throw a quick load in the washer, vacuum the carpets and wash your cookie plate? Thanks.
• From home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas, brings us closer to each other. –  Emily Matthews
• “The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.””– John Leo
• “If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.”
• On the first day of Christmas your true love gave to you ... nothing because you're single.
• Holly and jolly.
• May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas eve.
• “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”– Victor Borge
• “I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”– Demetri Martin
• “People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.”– Ogden Nash
• Sounds delicious.
  
• “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” -Louis C.K.
• Christmas Prayer: Guardian angel pure and bright, please lead Santa here tonight. 
• “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” -Conan O’Brien
• The spirits will be sure to make you bright!
• Always jingle all the way. No one likes a half-assed jingler.
• Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever. –  Richelle Goodrich
• “‘Elf’ has become this big holiday movie, and I remember running around the streets of New York in tights saying, ‘This could be the last movie I ever make,’ and I could never have predicted that it’d become such a popular film.”– Will Ferrell
• “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”– Kin Hubbard
• “Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.”
• “Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.”– Lenore Hershey
• “Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”– Dave Berry
• “Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”– Arlo Guthrie
• Dear Santa... before I explain, how much do you know already?
• “For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!”– Anne Bristow
• Sweet, but twisted. Does that make me a candy cane?
• “I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”– Steven Wright
• Jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
• “Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.” -Carol Nelson
  
• “As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.”– Donald E. Westlake
• Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. –  Phyllis Diller

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