Stupid One Liners

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Stupid One Liners items I have now:

• I’m selling a parachute – just as new, used only one time, didn’t open once.
• We’ve heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means.
• It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
• A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
• It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  
• Why can’t Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
• I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
• What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
• Anonymous
• Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
• Sit down, give your mind a rest – it obviously needs it.
• I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
• We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
• Couldn’t scratch his ass if he had a tiger in both hands.
• Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
• When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
• What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head? A Space Invader.
• Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
• How does a farmer count cows? with a cow-calculator.
• If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, you’re invulnerable.
• Were any famous men born on your birthday? “No, only little babies.”
• You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you’ll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
• Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
• Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
  
• I know that there are people who don’t love their fellow man – I hate those people.
• Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!
• I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.
• Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
• I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
• I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.
• Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
• I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
• You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.
• Girl, you got more legs than a bucket of chicken!
• A skeleton walk into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.
• Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
• Stop with the blind jokes … I don´t see the point.
• Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
• Where does one apply to be a “kept man”?
• Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
• You do realize makeup isn’t going to fix your stupidity?
• Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.
• The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
• Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I… can’t see.
• Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity
  
• We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
• I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.
• We must pay for the mistakes of our youth… at the drugstore.
• I am probably single….because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Intelligent people, when assembled into an organization, will tend toward collective stupidity.
• My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
• My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg.
• ‘Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head?’ a Thought said and killed herself…
• My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
• I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.
• What’s the definition of “Tender Love?” Two gays with hemorrhoids.
• Avoid arguments about the toilet seat…use the sink…
• I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
• Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
• I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
• What he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in stupidity.
• My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.
• Im not saying I’m number one, uh sorry I lied I’m number one two three four and five.
• I’ve decided to start taking something for my kleptomania.
• He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.
• It’s better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
• Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says.
  
• I didn’t do it, nobody saw me do it, you can’t prove anything.
• A man walks into a bar, the man behind him ducks
• Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
• I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
• I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
• I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
• Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
• American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.
• Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
• She is so stupid… when you said it was chilly outside she went and got a bowl.
• I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• He is so dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
• He is so stupid… he got fired from an M&M factory for throwing out all the W’s.
• I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
• Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.
• She is so stupid… she stared at an orange juice carton for twenty minutes because the label said “concentrate.”
• Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that?
• Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.
  
• How do you stop a fish from smelling? Cut its nose off.
• I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.