Here are some great one-liners for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows, movies, etc.

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liner Jokes About Work items I have now:

• A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
• A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
• All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
• When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
• I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
• If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
• I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
• The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
• What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  
• When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
• Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
• Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
• If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
• I couldn’t work today because of an eye problem. I just can’t see myself working today.
• To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
• With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
• With a calendar, your days are numbered.
• My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "yeah, Deez-el fit her."
• I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
• Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
• My job is secure. No one else wants it.
• Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
• When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
  
• It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.
• Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
• I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
• My biggest professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor but me.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
• People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
• My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
• The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.
• My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
• Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things.
• If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
• The reason we “nod off to sleep” is so it looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing with everything when we’re in a boring meeting.
• I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
• The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
• The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
• Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
• I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
  
• My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
• Anything that could possibly go wrong often does – as well as a thing or two that couldn’t possibly.
• I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
• If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
• A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
• It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
• How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
• If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
• Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
• When in doubt, mumble.
• Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  
• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
• When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
• I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
• It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.
• Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
• To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
• The reward for a job well done is more work.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
• I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
• Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
• I don’t work well under pressure… or any other circumstance.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
• Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills.
• The boss frowns on anyone yelling: “Hey Weirdo!” He says too many people look up from their work.
• A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
• Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
• I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the 8-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.
• I like my job only marginally more than I like being homeless.
• To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
• When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
• My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
• Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
  
• Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
• There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
• I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
• I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
• A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician
• The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
• The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
• If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
• Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
• Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
• I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
• I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
• Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
• My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
• I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
• I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.
  
• The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
• I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.

Slogan on Equality

One Liner Retirement Jokes

Most Common Bucket List Items