Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some British One Liners items I have now:

• I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.
• I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.'
• I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'
• But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
• I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'
• I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'
• I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.
  
• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
• So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said, "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
• I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
• I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.
• I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'
• I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
• I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'
• You see I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
• I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
• The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
• I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…
• But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.
• Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.
• A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
• I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
• My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.
• So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said, "Do you want a game of darts?" He said, "OK then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said, "Baa." I said, "Moo." He said, "You're closest".
• So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
• Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags? He's bisatchel.
• Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'
• Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again? Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
• I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'
  
• So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint -- this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions".
• I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'
• I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
• I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
• I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
• I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'
• Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.
• So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
• He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment".
• So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item"?
• I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'
• Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
• I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.
• So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said, "Not you again".
• So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
• I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
• So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".
• I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'
• The ‘king of one-liners’, Tim Vine (Photo: Getty) I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'
• You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter.
  
• I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
• I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.
• Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
• Tim Vine has won numerous best joke awards (Photo: Getty) I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.
• Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?'
• You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
• Velcro? What a rip-off!
• Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
• I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.
• I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
• So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
• I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'
• I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, "he's trying to pull a fast one".
• The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift"?
• I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.
  
• This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'
• I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'