Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Intellectual One Liners items I have now:

• “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
• A student traveling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
• Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
• If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
  
• A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
• We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
• If you're confident after you've just finished an exam, it's because you don't know enough to know better.
• My IQ came back negative.
• What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
• Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
• All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
• When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him.
• Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
• The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
• A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
• How does a blonde drown a fish? She puts it in water!
• Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
• Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
• An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
• There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
• The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
• A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
• Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe
• You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
• If you were a triangle youd be acute one.
  
• Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
• I remember when Grandpa’s memories started to go; it was the day I caught him urinating with the door open… which is not a huge deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
• It is best to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.
• All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
• A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m traveling light.”
• Any great truth can – and eventually will – be expressed as a cliche.2. Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
• We have, by far, the highest IQ of any cabinet ever.
• How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
• Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
• A wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.
• Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• My mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts.
• I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
• There are three types of intelligence: the intelligence of man, the intelligence of animals and the intelligence of the military… in that order.
• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
• What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
• When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
• The first requisite of intelligent tinkering is to save all the pieces.
• You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
• A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
• What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
• Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
  
• eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
• Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
• Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
• An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
• I ain’t in a happy frame of mood.
• I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
• If you make something idiot-proof, the world will create a better idiot.
• Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
• You’re not too smart, are you? I like that in a man.
  
• The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.
• A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
• Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.
• Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful.