Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Work One Liners items I have now:

• I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
• I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine". I only have one line.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
• Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
• How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
• The reason we “nod off to sleep” is so it looks like we’re just emphatically agreeing with everything when we’re in a boring meeting.
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• A homeless guy asked me for 2 pounds, so I gave him 1.67 because that’s what a woman would get paid for doing the same job.
• A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
• Those who cannot teach – administrate.
  
• When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
• Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.
• When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
• Psychiatry is a waste of good couches; why should I make a psychiatrist laugh, and then pay him?
• I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, "How do you know he was on his way to work?"
• Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.
• Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
• Well, we can't stand about here doing nothing; people will think we're workmen.
• Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
• By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.
• Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list
• Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
• Signwriters have their work cut out, don't they?
  
• Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
• I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.
• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
• The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.
• If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes – make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
• You think when gym teachers are younger, they’re thinking, “You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?”
• Archaeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
• Employment Agency: Where people are put in their place.
• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
• When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• Things really haven’t gotten worse. We’ve just improved our inter-departmental communication skills.
• Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.
• I’m a character actor, which is a polite way of saying ‘ugly.’
• Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
• Retire? … I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
• I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
• I don’t work well under pressure… or any other circumstance.
• Currently the flower business is blooming.
  
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
• If you really want something in life you have to work for it; now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
• If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.
• The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
• I couldn’t work today because of an eye problem. I just can’t see myself working today.
• Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
• A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
• The chief distinction of a diplomat is that he can say no in such a way that it sounds like yes.
• Be content to remember that those who can make omelets properly can do nothing else.
• Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
• It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• Anything that could possibly go wrong often does – as well as a thing or two that couldn’t possibly.
• Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
• I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
• Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.
• If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
• If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.
• When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
• It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
• The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
• There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
• I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
• It's better to have business with a drunk professional than a sober idiot.
  
• If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
• The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
• The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are always funny.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
• A trade unionist is someone who hates his job and is afraid someone will take it from him.
• I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.
• Interior Decorator: A man who does things to your house he wouldn’t dream of doing to his own.
• My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn, she asked me to fix her sink 2 hours ago and I'm still fixing her sink.
• When there are no volunteers, they get appointed.
• I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• I was going to be a computer forensics expert, but couldn't hack IT.
• I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
• There are two essential rules of management: One: the customer is always right. Two: they must be punished for their arrogance.
• There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
• What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!
• My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Retirement: The time of life when you stop lying about your age and start lying about the house.
• I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
• If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work with your Sunday clothes on.
• My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "yeah, Deez-el fit her."
• I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
• Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things.
  
• I don’t think I got the job at Microsoft™… they didn’t respond to my telegram.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
• A work week is so rough that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
• When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
• If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
• We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
• My job is secure. No one else wants it.
• In the morning be first up, and in the evening last to go to bed, for they that sleep catch no fish.
• My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
• What will get you promoted on one level will get you killed on another.
• Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office.
• Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
• My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
• The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  
• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
• My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
• The boss frowns on anyone yelling: “Hey Weirdo!” He says too many people look up from their work.
• A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
• I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
• How do construction workers party? they raise the roof.
• When in doubt, mumble.
• Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
• To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
• Those who rise to executive positions lack the qualifications for anything lower.
• If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.
• People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
• Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous; when I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.
• If work were good for you, the rich would leave none for the poor.
• I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
• Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine… look into that second, less painful career.
• I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
• The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
  
• Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.
• My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
• The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
• Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.
• He who can, does; he who cannot, teaches.
• Love can be sordid only if you work at it.
• Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
• The reward for a job well done is more work.