Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Quick One Liners items I have now:

• What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
• My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
• The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
• What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  
• I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. – Milton Jones
• A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
• I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside. – Ken Dodd
• I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, What’s the word on the street?
• How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
• Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
• How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
• A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
• The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. – Tommy Cooper
• Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone! – Milton Jones
• I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. – Nick Helm
• Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
• For anyone who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
• What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks! I’ll never part with it!
  
• What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
• Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out.
• What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? Snowballs
• So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
• My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore. – Milton Jones
• I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
• You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. – Milton Jones
• Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad.
• What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
• What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
• I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess. – Matt Kirshen
• A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
• I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
• I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato.
• Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.
• I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Ken Dodd
• I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'
• Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
• I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
  
• I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
• A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. – Peter Kay
• I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. – Tom Ward
• It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
• Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
• Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.
• Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. – Andrew Lawrence
• This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
• What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
• The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. – Demetri Martin
• Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
• What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.
• (Photo: BBC) The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever. – Milton Jones
• Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
• What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
• If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
• I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.
• I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
• Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
  
• I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said Thanks! I said Don’t mention it.
• What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion
• My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
• Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime. – Milton Jones
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
• Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat.
• I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
• What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
• Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
• How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
• This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'
• Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
• What's the difference between a smart man and a stupid man? Nothing. They both think they know everything.
• You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
  
• Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
• Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
• What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear!
• What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!
• Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
• My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off. – Milton Jones
• What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
• Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months? -- The box said 2-4 years!
• A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
• What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
• Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
• Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. We don’t serve your type! shouts the barman.
• Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
• Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. – Bill Bailey
• My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.
• Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
  
• My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. – Sarah Millican
• Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
• Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
• Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then. – Harry Hill
• What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
• I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect."
• Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not… – Milton Jones
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'
• A man tells his doctor, Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, I’m not following you.
• Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!
• I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'
• My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said 40.
• It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
• Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
  
• What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
• This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
• What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
• Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? – Dan Antolpolski
• I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
• Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
• Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
• Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.
• As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay – it’s in my jeans.
• I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook."
• Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?
• Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.
• What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
• What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
• I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves!
• I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
• I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.
  
• Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.
• They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
• Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
• I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
• Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
• My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
• I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
• I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
• I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
• If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
• How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
  
• How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
• There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
• Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
• My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. – Milton Jones
• My friend says to me: What rhymes with orange? I said: No it doesn’t!
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?
• I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
• I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
• Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
• Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
• Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
• There’s no I in Denial.
  
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
• Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle!
• What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
• What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
• I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
• I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
• My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
• I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know. She'd be three of them.
• I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.
• I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
• I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'
• If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?