Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Wife One Liners items I have now:

• Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.
• To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.' (Henny Youngman)
• Any husband who says. 'My wife and I are completely equal partners', is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)
• What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
• Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.
• My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
• Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
• Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!
  
• You can make a lot of money in this game; just ask my ex-wives; both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
• What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.
• My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
• It is better to have an ugly wife for one’s self than a beautiful wife for others.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
• People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
• The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
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• I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.
• Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. - Groucho Marx
• When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
• Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
• What's the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds.
• You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.
• Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
• Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.
• Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
• With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand; she lit it.
• You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave.
• I am a very committed wife, and I should be committed too – for being married so many times.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
  
• The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann Bancroft
• What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
• My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner
• What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
• It's better to be the first lover than a third wife.
• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
• I never mind my wife having the last word; in fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.
• My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
• A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
• What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!
• The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
• Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• Marriage Jokes and One-liners Researched by Alan Turnham
• Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
• How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
• Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.
• What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"
  
• My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.
• Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
• The other day my wife asked me to take her someplace real expensive to eat, so I took her to the airport.
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
• The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
• Funny Marriage Notions Worth Remembering
• Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.
• Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney (married 8 times)
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
• Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?
• Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
• Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
• You can't know a person well until you live with them. You can't know them really well until you divorce them.
• My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
• Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
• Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
• There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
• A wife can enjoy anything, until it's not my salary.
• Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  
• Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
• Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.
• Marriage:is like going to a restaurant You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
• You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
• Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
• Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
• An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.
• Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. (Samuel Butler)
• It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you.
• A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.
• Anonymous Marriage One-liners
• It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.
• Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
• It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
• The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
• My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
  
• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
• A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.
• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
• If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.
• When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.
• She is not my reword, I am her punishment.
• Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
• It's a sin to love another's wife and a punishment to love yours.
• What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.
• I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin
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• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. - Phyllis Diller
• Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
• The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
• Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West
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• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
• You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
• Five Fun Facts and Funny Marriage Trivia
  
• How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
• Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
• Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.
• What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
• Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.
• People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. - Erma Bombeck
• Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
• You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
• It's like my ex-wife… 21 different personalities and seven of them hated me.
• My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
• Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
• I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. - Bette Midler
• The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
• Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
• Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
• The gifts you buy your wife are never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.
• I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.
• You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
• When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.
  
• At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
• Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
• What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.
• Do you need space? Join NASA!
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
• How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
• In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
• Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.
• What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
• About 30 pounds. - Cindy Garner
• If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway.
• What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
• Marriage is like waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park. You spend 99% of the time pissed off for 1% of intense pleasure.
• How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
• If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she's sleeping.
• Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
• The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
• The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.
  
• My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
• I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.
• Marriage One-liners an Jokes
• You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) [For those who do not know him, Henny (not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]
• Marriage Jokes and One-liners
• What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
• Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'
• I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
• I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
• I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
• Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!
• May you never leave your marriage alive.
• At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?'… 'Oh, honey – that's up to Mommy, isn't it?'