Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liners Tim Vine items I have now:

• I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.
• Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.
• Velcro? What a rip-off!
• I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.
  
• Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.
• The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
• So this bloke says to me, ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought ‘That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness.'
• I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.'
• You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
• I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
• I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.
• Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?'
• So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
• My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.
• So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
• He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library’. I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.'
• I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'
• I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'
• This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'
• I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
• I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'
• I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.
  
• A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
• And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.'
• I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
• Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
• So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went ‘T’PAU!’ I said ‘Don’t you mean KAPOW??’ He said ‘No, I’ve got china in my hand.'
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'
• I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'
• I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'
• I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'
• I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'
• I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…
• I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
  
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
• Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
• Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
• I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'
• I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'
• I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
• I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'
• I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.
• I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
• I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
• Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'
• I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
• I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…'
• The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
• I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.
  
• Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.
• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
• I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'
• I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'
• I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
• I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.
• I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'
• I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.